I'm an economist, as such, I have spent a lot of time in my career thinking about choices, and how people make them and trying to understand the conditions that lead to good choices - and conversely the conditions that lead to bad choices, and what can be done to get to a place where better choices are made more often. Any good economist understands that all people try to maximize their own satisfaction - but that because all people are different - with different preferences, not all people will make the same choices. And that is okay, actually, it's better than okay - it is absolutely critical!
I have come to the conclusion, that the true meaning of feminism - is about having choices and being free to make them - being free to lead a life that is most satisfying to the individual woman in her individual reality. Feminism is not, and should not be about the specific choices that individual women make - and much damage is done when biological essentialism is passed off as feminism. Much damage is done when women sit in judgement about the specific choices that other women make. Much damage is done when women fail to focus on making the best choices in their own life. Much damage is done when women fail to support other women in making their own choices.
Something wonderful happens when women shift from thinking that everyone needs to make the same choices to understanding the importance of having choice and facilitating choice. Women become more compassionate. Women become more confident in their own choices. Women become more tolerant of choices that are different from their own. Women are better able to help other women discover the choices that are best in their own individual lives, without judgement.
When the focus is on having choices, and the process of making choices - it is okay to breastfeed - it is okay to formula feed - it is okay to have children - it is okay to remain child-free - it is okay to plan a vaginal delivery - it is okay to plan a cesarean delivery - it is okay to stay at home - it is okay to work out of the home - it is okay to get a degree - it is okay not to get a degree - it is okay to get married - it is okay to stay single - it is okay to cloth diaper - it is okay to use disposables - it is okay to baby wear - it is okay to use a stroller - it is okay to send the kid to daycare - it is okay to home school - it is okay to use public schools - it is okay to use private schools - it is okay eat organic - it is okay to not eat organic - it is okay to circumcise - it is okay to not circumcise - it is okay to cry-it-out - it is okay to not cry-it-out. And none of those things make one woman a better woman than another woman who happened to make a different choice.
When the focus is on having choices and the process of making and facilitating choice - Women become empowered and empower other women - the mommy wars end and the focus shifts to what is really important - leading satisfying and fulfilling lives as individuals.