Saturday, September 24, 2016

An Act of Love

I am on a weekend get away right now - much needed. So much has happened in the months I have not been actively here. Seismic shifts with my husband's business, now fully our business. We helped fight the siting of a sewage treatment plant on what is our front door step. Life with small kids is apt to be, just busy - add a small sliver of time for oneself and then life's true shortage, time, is all the more apparent. Juno's started grade one, and Wyatt is now in his last year of pre-school.

Shifts that I had hoped to make in June had to be postponed. Shifts that would have seen a bit more time here and working on other aspects of Cesarean by Choice had to be postponed. I had to contribute to advocating for where I live, I had to contribute to our business. So I spent and will spend the remainder of my vacation time largely contributing to our business and a bit to helping "Save Clover Point" - thankfully, the efforts to Save Clover Point appear to have succeeded and there is little doubt in my mind that our business will thrive. It's on a good path - it has a great team, they do good work - there is no fear of the hard work that lies ahead. That is the biggest shift, the time and energy I had left after work, after mothering has gone in support of our business and in advocating for where we live in the ways I best know how. But it has meant that this space has needed to take a back seat to the rest of my life. And so, these past few months the Cesarean by Choice Awareness Network on facebook - has been maintained, largely because of the incredible group of women who are there - and indeed it has continued to grow. And so moving from my job, to the work I want to do, fully, truly - might take a while longer.

But it will happen.

We're back on the road to get there - albeit "there" - might be a slightly different spot than what might have been first imagined. "There" now involves a lot more work for our business in addition to the other things I want to do. I'm excited about it though - I'm excited by the prospect of getting to the sweet spot, that place where what I do will align with who I am. I'm excited to leave what often feels like a spin cycle of working motherhood where there isn't quite enough time left over and at the same time, some sadness over that time which feels less meaningful than it could have been.

And yet, the idea of stopping the spin cycle - taking a different approach to my life as I know it. An approach that leaves the "regular paycheque" and the 9am to 5pm and the full pension at age 60 behind, is scary. Indeed, perhaps the largest act of love my marriage has known - is the act of giving permission for me to make this shift in my life at this time in our life. It's an act that says so many things - "I trust you", "I believe in you", "I respect you" - it's an act that is not easy for a spouse to do. I know that - and what lies ahead I do not expect to be easy, but rather I expect it to be worth it.

Love gives wind for wings to fly and heals the wounds that time cannot.