Since Friday, I have been sewing a parachute. Crafting an exit strategy with fervent energy - an exit strategy not just out of the ministry, but out of government entirely. I am on the brink of leaving the organization - because, my work and who I am often seem in conflict; because my strengths go unused; because I don't feel like I can be who I am; I don't feel like I can bring and apply my passion to my work; I don't feel like I can shape my work; I don't feel like I can explore ideas; I don't feel like I can be innovative. I feel frustrated; I feel anxious and stressed (and half-wonder, could this blog ever get me fired?); I feel like I cannot be innovative; I feel like I can not "Think Big" at work; I feel like I am not in control of the work I do, how I do it or what becomes of it; at the very least I feel misunderstood.
And yet - when I think about what I am passionate about - when I think about what is needed, I can not help but think that my organization needs me, needs people like me to get past the hard bits to a place where they can be at work and be who they are and bring everything to the table because nothing less than everything will do.
I am passionate about a healthcare system that works for the people it serves.
I am passionate about being engaged and heartbroken at the disengagement prevalent in the organization at this time.
I am passionate about truly good policy.
I am passionate about writing - and good writing in particular.
I am passionate about thinking big.
I am passionate about building bridges.
I am passionate about learning.
I am passionate about transparency.
I am passionate about engaging people in a discussion of ideas and true collaboration.
I am passionate about evidence informed decisions making.
I desperately want the work I have done outside of work, to match the work I do at work.
I want to work a life worth living - where I am productive because work is not work, but a part of who I am.
Yet, I am sewing a parachute...while part of me yet still, hopes I won't need it.