I've been somewhat absent from blogging lately - I've tried to compose posts but, there have been more than a few times when doing so in recent days has proven too overwhelming. I've been checking in on the comments - and must thank those who have taken the time to make them - particularly the words of support and encouragement.
The new edition is looming on the horizon, and I find the reality of that when I try to blog to often be a bit much - so I've been trying to do things that allow me to think about that on my own terms. I'm finding that I am preferring to avoid social situations, as invariably someone comments on my burgeoning belly and the imminence of the arrival (please baby boy - just stay put until the csection date and time, please). I'm finding naming hard, actually baby preparations in general are proving somewhat challenging this time. It's not that I'm not looking forward to having a son, but rather the deep desire to be on the otherside of his arrival. The deep desire to know that everything is okay and that this time is not last time. Part of me thinks if I'm just not ready for his arrival, maybe it just won't happen until I am ready for it - logically I know babies don't work that way. Logically, I know that I can be as ready as possible and things can still go sideways - for reasons completely beyond my control. Logically I know that things going well are a result of the actions of other people and I must trust that this time it will be different.
I am very thankful that I have a supportive and watchful OB who has scheduled a date and time that is as soon as is feasible - I appreciate that he seems to appreciate my desire to avoid a vaginally birth and my desire to avoid giving birth at Victoria General Hospital.
I am also thankful for my husband who also is supportive and seems willing to do what is neccessary to put my mind at ease - if the OB thinks labour might be imminent, he seems willing to go to Vancouver to help me avoid Victoria General Hospital...he also seems to be fairly cautious about what I do in the interim.
Further, I am thankful for my therapist - who has her work cut out for her in terms of helping me remain rational - and coaching me as to the what ifs...I'd prefer just not to think about them but, I know that if the what ifs materialize that having not thought of them could be harmful.
So I'm doing what I can to minimize the risk of going into labour prematurely by trying not to let the anxiety get the better of me, reminding myself that my OB is watching me, not overdoing things, reminding myself that this time is not last time.
And what if?
Then I'll do what is neccessary and what I can- I will go to Vic General (even though that is the last place I want to be - because, the alternative is even more scary - at least at Vic General, there is a chance at getting a csection or an epidural), I will let them know that I was planning on giving birth by csection in Vancouver - the name and number of my OB and psychologist. I will let them know that I'd like to avoid a vaginal delivery. I will let them know that I'd like an epidural as soon as possible. I will let them know that I do not want the lights low or to be told that "my body was made to do this", that I do not want the same people who provided care to me last time to provide care to me this time - if at all possible. That I want the best pain relief available to be used. Then I'll try to keep it together as best I can for the sake of my son. But if I have no choice - I will do what must be done, as I did last time - however, I will not waste a year trusting that what happened was with good reason and beyond the control of the hospital or doctors - I will investigate the reasons, and if good reasons for a lack of access to adequate care that respect what I would have liked to have happen with my body are not found - I will again hold the hospital and my care providers to account. And if there are good reasons, well then the circumstance is entirely different and I will just have to deal with that as best I can - I will be thankful for a healthy son, I will relish mothering him, and I will know that my care providers did as best they could and that sometimes bad things happen despite having done everything to ensure that they wouldn't ...
But I am truly hoping the what if doesn't happen...because if it does, I know it will be among the most painful experiences I will have in my life - and that no amount of wishing myself elsewheres will change that, that no breathing exercises hold a candle to an epidural and that my vagina won't be the same again...and the idea that the what if could happen again without good reason - unnecessarily - well that would demonstrate a deep seated misogyny that should be fought with every shred of my being.
It is reasonable to expect that what happened last time, won't happen this time (although I find myself having to often remind myself that I should not expect what happened last time to happen this time) - but if it does (again and without good reason) - I will do what is neccessary.