During vaginal birth, occasionally the baby gets stuck and can't get out without some assistance. A change in position. The use of forceps or a vacuum. A broken clavicle. A change in delivery method. If the dystocia is managed appropriately, the baby and mother emerge relatively unscathed. If not, there are injuries that range from from mild to traumatic and debilitating.
I am happy that I have a healthy, thriving daughter. There was a time, from September 2010 to February 2011 when I was doing "okay" just not thinking about the experience - just basking in the new mommy joy...being thankful for every milestone reached, thankful to have a happy baby, thankful that life in general was good. I am very thankful (by whatever small miracle) that I do not associate my daughter's birth, with my daughter. It sounds absurd, but my daughter is seperate from the process which brought her into the world - she is not her birth, she is not responsible in any way for what happend.
And yet I'm stuck - I don't cope well whenever I reflect on what did happen. Sometimes when I read a news story about a mom denied pain relief in labour or having a c-section delayed or unable to access timely care, I find myself back there. In the delivery room. Terrified. Sometimes, ff the conversation turns to birth, and other moms are reflecting on their experiences - I am back there. In the delivery room. Terrified. Sometimes (often) when I turn my mind to the next baby, who is wanted but not yet conceived. I am back there. In the delivery room. Terrified.
Sometimes I'm just angry...and at others sad - in no small part because I know that it didn't have to happen.
It's been 17 months - the passage of time has done little to resolve the outstanding issues, and given what I know now - time alone is not the cure.