Thursday, January 19, 2012

A Note to Little Bean

Dear Little Bean:

I am sorry, I have not been able to greet news of your pending arrival with the unfettered joy that accompanied news of your sister's pending arrival. I did not pee on three pregnancy tests, as I did with your sister, just to make sure it is real...I peed on one. I peed on one - and greeted the news with a combination of happiness, but also a great deal of anxiety. I did not call every one who needed to know within mere moments of seeing the news - I've told a few people, first your daddy - we drove by daddy's office and had your sister hand him the pregnancy test. And a couple of days later your Grandma J and Grandpa G, your aunts T and W and uncle M and a few close friends - your Grandmas P and B still don't know. I did not immediately call my doctor to get a referral to a maternity care provider - rather I only just placed that call today, a week after 'seeing' the news. Since seeing the news, my sleep has been less than stellar - in part because of your big sister, but also in part because of my own worries and anxieties. My worry that my trust and confidence will be betrayed again. My worry that despite having a plan (albeit a rather pricey one) - that something will happen to frustrate that plan. My utter terror of being again in the worst pain of my life, out of control, and without choices that I thought I had...knowing that this is possible, is very frightening to me.

I am sorry, that I am unable to confidently welcome the news of your pending arrival, I wish that was different - but little bean, please know - that you are very wanted and your mother's anxiety and fears have nothing to do with you, and everything to do with the context in which you are coming to be. You are loved and wanted, and I will deal with it as best I can.

Forgive me little bean - my response to your pending arrival, is just another unfortunate consequence of what happend when your sister came into this world. It's not your fault, it's not hers - but it sucks. It sucks that I can't greet this news with the unfettered joy that it deserves to be greeted with. You are wanted and loved, and I will do everything to ensure your safe arrival into this world.


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